I need some self-care

My therapist always told me that I view the world as either good or bad. just as I view myself. I’ve never made room for gray. The more the world shows me how ugly it is, I can only see the ugly. When I see the good, I’m happy but the cycle begins again. I find that when I don’t journal and I spent a lot of time online, reading about issues and reading ignorant/racist/body shaming/anti-LGBTQIA/anti-immigrant, I feel so hopeless that this is how people are. And allowing that in my mind all the time can become so draining. So I’m going to take a break. I need it to actually focus on creating and healing for now. I can feel this shift inside me. I don’t want to do what no longer serves me now. And what no longer serves me is ignoring my mind and body’s cry for change. My mind needs a break and my body needs time to itself. Healthy eating and exercise will probably be a never-ending struggle for me but with my extra time, perhaps I’ll be persuaded. I’m willing to give it a shot.

I find that negative views are worse when they come from people you love. And what my mind does to cope with hurt is just cancelling people outwardly and berating myself inwardly for not mending the situation. This way of coping? It does not serve me well. “Know Thyself” is perhaps my favorite quote. I’ve accepted that I only know the small fraction of myself I helped fabricate. The rest is up for me to create. I let my circumstances and my reaction to them create me and that’s what causes all the hurt and the anger.

I love little self-care things like face masks and bubble baths. But I’m going to have to do the hard self-care now. I’m going to have to book that therapy appointment even though I keep postponing it. I’m going to have to get out of the house more. I’m going to have to put down my phone and laptop sometimes because social media can be exhausting sometimes. I’m going to take a deep breath before bursting into tears over something someone said. I have to create boundaries so I can find true freedom.

 

 

Writing’s my thing but it’s not easy

Graduating college has given me enough time to put all my focus in defeating my writer’s block and creating stories again. Right now I’m working on a paranormal series that will cover self-growth, sexuality, loss, acceptance and healing. I’m truly excited about finishing the series and filming with a couple of people I met at a Janelle Monae pop-up screening in Atlanta! Even though it’s been difficult to be creative, I’ve made connections with people that have helped me realize what is blocking my creativity. And the reality is that I’m afraid. I’ve deleted a lot of my work because I’m afraid that it’s awful, that no one will want to read it. All it’s done is keep me from improving and has kept me stuck for a long time.
So I’m going to do something different. I’m going to keep writing, keep watching youtube videos on how to write better, and give myself time to edit after instead of deleting anything.
My goal for 2019 is to have my first poetry book published. It’s going to cover all the areas in my life I’ve needed to heal from, all the beautiful things I’ve encountered and lessons I’m learning in my life. I fully intend to make this happen. This obviously requires me to know myself and do everything I can to keep myself accountable daily. Graduating and living at home has left me with a lot of time but there’s steps I can do to reverse my un-productive habits and use them in order to both create and grow as a person.

Where I’m at in my film-making

Let me start off by saying my film-making skills are still in their infancy! I’ve written a couple of scripts and am working on some now. Thankfully I minored in motion pictures and interactive media in college so I learned some things that will help me as I get into the film industry. I actually majored in computer science and I’m grateful that I did because I have a diverse amount of skills at the end of the day. A good friend and I actually made a couple of films in our film class last semester of senior year. I got to put a lot of my scripts to action. Our last film was definitely something I was proud of. I can hopefully scavenge through my files and find them because I would really love some feedback!
The film projects I want to work on in the 2018-2019 year will involve a lot self-discovery, mental health, LGBTQIA stories, and experiences of black women. It may take years to get a wider audience but I’m so excited to be producing content! I’m so thankful that I got to meet amazing people at the Janelle Monae pop-up screening and concert that I definitely want to involve in my film projects. Also my hope is that Janelle Monae will be in my films at some point! That would make my life.

My Travels

 

Travel is something I feel is necessary but I do recognize that it’s often a luxury for those that can afford it and can afford to take time off of work. I’ve been fortunate enough to have traveled overseas quite often in my life. I visit my extended family in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia every couple of years. A lot of my time spent there is enjoying time with my grandmother and aunts and uncles in the house I was raised in. A lot of outdoor activities involved visiting cafes and friends’ houses. On one trip with my dad, we visited many historical landmarks like the ancient churches in Lalibela, the castles in Gondar, and a museum that contained Lucy (Australopithecus Afarensis). I also have aunts and uncles I’ve visited in Melbourne, Australia and have dozens of stuffed kangaroos and koalas to prove it.

I worked as an ios developer intern and student for iXperience in Capetown, South Africa. Shortly after the new year in 2018, I went on a “Thotties” trip with my cousin and her friends and we had an AMAZING time in Athens, Greece and Barcelona. We ate amazing food and had a ton of unforgettable experiences.

Travel has definitely helped me learn who I am in different places. In Capetown, I found that I was starting to get out of my shell and being more open with people I’m getting to know. It’s really then that I felt comfortable approaching people and even told a boy from my program that I liked him the night before we were all flying home. I mean it didn’t make sense but it truly made me feel braver. Traveling has also taught me how kind people can be. I’ve had a handful of bad experiences traveling that I am very open in sharing. I honestly plan on traveling all my life in order to really get to know different cultures and figure out who I can become once I make myself more open to different ways of life.

My self-care journey

I’m not going to pretend like I am the master of self-care. I am far from it! A lot of my habits: procrastination, self-criticism and overthinking has wreaked havoc on my overall health. The temporary strategies that have helped me unwind is taking Epsom salt baths, wearing face-masks and having tea with friends or family. These strategies surely helped me while I was in college but I’m noticing a change in myself now. I’m no longer content with how life is going so I’ve changed my self-care habits.
Living at home, I like to take care of myself by using my oil diffuser. A citrus scent always lifts my mood and lavender helps me sleep. I listen to ASMR every night to lull me to sleep as well as sooth me when I have a panic attack. I’ve also been journaling a lot, which has helped me come to terms with where I am in life. Another strategy is making myself leave the house and interact with people. Often, a trip to the bookstore or Starbucks will lift my mood simply because I need a change of scenery.
I’ve definitely accepted the fact that self-care involves being consistent in satisfying your personal goals which is why all the little acts of self care were always just a band-aid to my general unhappiness. I find exercise tiresome to even contemplate but I think it’s because I’m making weight loss my goal. I read a twitter post that talked about healing your body through exercise and that really resonated with me! In order to truly care for yourself, you have to be sure of why you want to accomplish your goals. It can’t be something someone pushed on you.
My new self-care routine will be showing up for myself when I intend on finishing something, continuously unlearning my own beliefs about being broken, and doing yoga and light exercise to heal my body from all the depression and anxiety I’ve experienced.

About Me

I’m Eden! I’m 22, Ethiopian, living in Georgia currently after 4 years of undergrad at I’m pro-black, pro-immigrant, pro-LGBTQIA and I believe in lifting the voices of marginalized people. I was raised in Ethiopia for 5 years by my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I joined my parents in Georgia leading to a very challenging few years in my life. I was very home-sick, didn’t know any English and completely shocked by the drastic change in my life. My first couple of months in school were hectic because of my intense fear of not knowing my surroundings. My sister, Hanna, was born when I turned 6. Things got better after I entered ESOL and was introduced to my cousins, Tsion, Abe and Dagm. I met my favorite teacher, Mrs.Gibson-Colemon who I am still in touch with. She and my first nice Kindergarten teacher, Ms. Brush, made school out to be a happy place, instead of one I was afraid of.
Let’s fast forward a little… Growing up, I depended highly on the opinions of others. Every compliment would re-affirm that I was worthy, and every criticism would quickly delete that affirmation. I didn’t feel comfortable in my skin due to bullying in middle school. For a long time, I didn’t call it bullying because I’ve been called oversensitive my whole life. Acknowledging what it truly was is one of the many ways I’ve been unlearning the myths I’ve believed. My experience feeling like I didn’t fit in as well as racism I’ve encountered has truly caused me to reflect and work on loving me despite outside opinions.
Healing is such a difficult process and for a long time, I believed that I was something that needed to be fixed. I was wrong and others that I idolized were right and capable. A friend of mine told me that is a story that I’ve made up. Years of internalizing will hammer that into your subconscious.
Writing is my passion, but I’d find myself deleting my work because I was convinced it wasn’t good enough. I find that there’s certain habits that truly hinder my growth. I have other goals too that I haven’t been able to accomplish, and it lies on the fact that I need to believe in my capability. I need to nourish myself mentally and spiritually to feel capable. So welcome to my journey 🙂 I hope my sharing will help you in your personal journey as well.

yourbigsisnissi:

Being in a relationship will not cure you of loneliness

You can be in a relationship and still feel lonely

Even with a person who loves and supports and fulfills you

At the end of the day

We have to confront and deal with our loneliness

It’s not a burden to place on others

It’s an opportunity to look inward and to supply ourselves with comfort