Depression

Depression is a sneaky thing. It comes back when you least expect and for me, it comes back hard. I’ve had it long enough to realize when I’m staying in bed too long and when my body starts being more sore and my bed seems better than literally anything else. Suddenly even little things I love become huge tasks.

I want to do so much but my mind thinks that there’s nothing to do. And there’s little things I can do like try jogging or something but I really can’t get myself to do it. I knew it was inevitable after graduating since that was a big event. I just didn’t think it would truly come back months later. I’ve been watching motivational videos and atleast trying to make something of today.

I’ll figure it out. Sometimes I have to let change in to curb depression. I have to be willing to change my routine, make those therapy appointments, and pull myself away. Depression is the friend you cut off but they still manage to linger. It’s about time I start breaking ties and find myself again. I feel so removed from what my body and soul was before meeting depression. It hurts me looking back. I know I’ve changed, I’ve grown so much, I’m just ready to create more despite this huge hurdle.

Maybe little steps are more important right now. I have to make sure I do get up on time regardless of failed efforts, I need to find something that uplifts me everyday and get outside my room, I need to make appointments no matter how unwilling I am to see someone new. I’ve grown so used to how things were and have to let my new reality in. I’ll see how that goes.

Reactions

My life has been truly determined by other people’s reactions.

Oh are they making fun of me because I’m really annoying? Maybe I am.

Do they understand how I feel? 

Do they think I’m being too sensitive?

I can’t believe my friend spoke to me like that!

I’m glad I’m a person that doesn’t put up with things anymore. However, I find that I am too easily pre-occupied by people’s reactions to me. They make or break me. It’s not healthy, it doesn’t bring about change, so why am I like this? Simply because it’s always been my first instinct. It’s my first instinct to put meaning to every opinion and every reaction that comes my way. I make people’s opinions about me more important than they are. So many factors go into someone’s views of you. A lot of it has to do with them. And that is a concept that I cannot seem to grasp permanently.

My mind yearns for control. I want to control people’s reactions to me. I want to get along with everybody. Looking back, I tried to get along with everybody and I ended up with years of hurt. Even with my no nonsense attitude now, I still waste mental energy on things I am better off not thinking about!

I never want to be someone that is too sure of themselves, I want to remain understanding and empathetic. I’m deeply interested in unblocking myself from success and happiness. This is one of the many things that hold me back. I don’t think it’s possible to not care about anyone’s opinions about you, but I know I can do something healthier for me than what I’m doing now.

I can stop equating worth to words simply because they are being spoken. 

A life spent letting other people tell you who you are is a life that’s limited. I’m trying to live my best life and I’m currently not. I’m going to have to jump over some emotional hurdles, kick out some unhealthy coping mechanisms and create this true bad bitch from the inside.

I need some self-care

My therapist always told me that I view the world as either good or bad. just as I view myself. I’ve never made room for gray. The more the world shows me how ugly it is, I can only see the ugly. When I see the good, I’m happy but the cycle begins again. I find that when I don’t journal and I spent a lot of time online, reading about issues and reading ignorant/racist/body shaming/anti-LGBTQIA/anti-immigrant, I feel so hopeless that this is how people are. And allowing that in my mind all the time can become so draining. So I’m going to take a break. I need it to actually focus on creating and healing for now. I can feel this shift inside me. I don’t want to do what no longer serves me now. And what no longer serves me is ignoring my mind and body’s cry for change. My mind needs a break and my body needs time to itself. Healthy eating and exercise will probably be a never-ending struggle for me but with my extra time, perhaps I’ll be persuaded. I’m willing to give it a shot.

I find that negative views are worse when they come from people you love. And what my mind does to cope with hurt is just cancelling people outwardly and berating myself inwardly for not mending the situation. This way of coping? It does not serve me well. “Know Thyself” is perhaps my favorite quote. I’ve accepted that I only know the small fraction of myself I helped fabricate. The rest is up for me to create. I let my circumstances and my reaction to them create me and that’s what causes all the hurt and the anger.

I love little self-care things like face masks and bubble baths. But I’m going to have to do the hard self-care now. I’m going to have to book that therapy appointment even though I keep postponing it. I’m going to have to get out of the house more. I’m going to have to put down my phone and laptop sometimes because social media can be exhausting sometimes. I’m going to take a deep breath before bursting into tears over something someone said. I have to create boundaries so I can find true freedom.

 

 

My self-care journey

I’m not going to pretend like I am the master of self-care. I am far from it! A lot of my habits: procrastination, self-criticism and overthinking has wreaked havoc on my overall health. The temporary strategies that have helped me unwind is taking Epsom salt baths, wearing face-masks and having tea with friends or family. These strategies surely helped me while I was in college but I’m noticing a change in myself now. I’m no longer content with how life is going so I’ve changed my self-care habits.
Living at home, I like to take care of myself by using my oil diffuser. A citrus scent always lifts my mood and lavender helps me sleep. I listen to ASMR every night to lull me to sleep as well as sooth me when I have a panic attack. I’ve also been journaling a lot, which has helped me come to terms with where I am in life. Another strategy is making myself leave the house and interact with people. Often, a trip to the bookstore or Starbucks will lift my mood simply because I need a change of scenery.
I’ve definitely accepted the fact that self-care involves being consistent in satisfying your personal goals which is why all the little acts of self care were always just a band-aid to my general unhappiness. I find exercise tiresome to even contemplate but I think it’s because I’m making weight loss my goal. I read a twitter post that talked about healing your body through exercise and that really resonated with me! In order to truly care for yourself, you have to be sure of why you want to accomplish your goals. It can’t be something someone pushed on you.
My new self-care routine will be showing up for myself when I intend on finishing something, continuously unlearning my own beliefs about being broken, and doing yoga and light exercise to heal my body from all the depression and anxiety I’ve experienced.