My therapist always told me that I view the world as either good or bad. just as I view myself. I’ve never made room for gray. The more the world shows me how ugly it is, I can only see the ugly. When I see the good, I’m happy but the cycle begins again. I find that when I don’t journal and I spent a lot of time online, reading about issues and reading ignorant/racist/body shaming/anti-LGBTQIA/anti-immigrant, I feel so hopeless that this is how people are. And allowing that in my mind all the time can become so draining. So I’m going to take a break. I need it to actually focus on creating and healing for now. I can feel this shift inside me. I don’t want to do what no longer serves me now. And what no longer serves me is ignoring my mind and body’s cry for change. My mind needs a break and my body needs time to itself. Healthy eating and exercise will probably be a never-ending struggle for me but with my extra time, perhaps I’ll be persuaded. I’m willing to give it a shot.
I find that negative views are worse when they come from people you love. And what my mind does to cope with hurt is just cancelling people outwardly and berating myself inwardly for not mending the situation. This way of coping? It does not serve me well. “Know Thyself” is perhaps my favorite quote. I’ve accepted that I only know the small fraction of myself I helped fabricate. The rest is up for me to create. I let my circumstances and my reaction to them create me and that’s what causes all the hurt and the anger.
I love little self-care things like face masks and bubble baths. But I’m going to have to do the hard self-care now. I’m going to have to book that therapy appointment even though I keep postponing it. I’m going to have to get out of the house more. I’m going to have to put down my phone and laptop sometimes because social media can be exhausting sometimes. I’m going to take a deep breath before bursting into tears over something someone said. I have to create boundaries so I can find true freedom.