One achievable goal that I can do right now, motivation or no motivation, is to learn to feel comfortable occupying the same space that brought me pain, embarrassment, isolation, micro-aggressions and in the midst of it all, joy. That’s Georgia. I was bullied in middle school by two boys in Orchestra, went to high school with one of them. I felt for a long time that it wasn’t a huge deal because because some people have it worse. But it had an impact, it affected how I acted around people. I felt like I had to change aspects of myself to be acceptable. I didn’t have to encounter him much in high school, which was great.
I hated feeling small…which is what I still felt. I had a couple of friends in high school that gave me enough micro-aggressions to write a book. Obviously I had lots of good friends, but the ones that caused harm… they left a very big impact. I wish I could remember the good memories because there were plenty. The thing about negative experiences is that they were too intense to ignore. I became very mistrustful but at the same time still kept in touch with people that hurt me deeply. I went somewhere new to start fresh, but I guess I was too polite not to cut anyone off. I truly wanted to leave the state where I felt so controlled and where I had the same reputation.
My goal is to get completely comfortable being in Georgia again. I want to be at peace with making this my home again. I want to feel comfortable occupying space in any space I walk into. I want to speak my truth in a poised and calm manner. Life is too short for acting. As long ago as any of my experiences were, they mattered. It’s time that I heal from it and find some good meaning. I am so confident that I can achieve this, even if it’s the only thing that I can achieve the remainder of this year or next year.