Reactions

My life has been truly determined by other people’s reactions.

Oh are they making fun of me because I’m really annoying? Maybe I am.

Do they understand how I feel? 

Do they think I’m being too sensitive?

I can’t believe my friend spoke to me like that!

I’m glad I’m a person that doesn’t put up with things anymore. However, I find that I am too easily pre-occupied by people’s reactions to me. They make or break me. It’s not healthy, it doesn’t bring about change, so why am I like this? Simply because it’s always been my first instinct. It’s my first instinct to put meaning to every opinion and every reaction that comes my way. I make people’s opinions about me more important than they are. So many factors go into someone’s views of you. A lot of it has to do with them. And that is a concept that I cannot seem to grasp permanently.

My mind yearns for control. I want to control people’s reactions to me. I want to get along with everybody. Looking back, I tried to get along with everybody and I ended up with years of hurt. Even with my no nonsense attitude now, I still waste mental energy on things I am better off not thinking about!

I never want to be someone that is too sure of themselves, I want to remain understanding and empathetic. I’m deeply interested in unblocking myself from success and happiness. This is one of the many things that hold me back. I don’t think it’s possible to not care about anyone’s opinions about you, but I know I can do something healthier for me than what I’m doing now.

I can stop equating worth to words simply because they are being spoken. 

A life spent letting other people tell you who you are is a life that’s limited. I’m trying to live my best life and I’m currently not. I’m going to have to jump over some emotional hurdles, kick out some unhealthy coping mechanisms and create this true bad bitch from the inside.

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