Social media cleanse update

So my social media cleanse lasted about 4 days. I noticed my productivity increase but now I’m back on my BS. I noticed even when I’m around family, I’m so engrossed on twitter or instagram that I don’t pay attention to what they’re saying! It’s pretty intense. It’s so easy for me to be distracted and the intense NEED to be distracted. It’s hard for me to sit and eat without watching something again. So that’s definitely something I need to do again. I guess failure is inevitable sometimes with a big goal. I was told I might have an attention deficit but they don’t know for sure. My social media usage is really not helping.

Haven’t updated in awhile and I’m glad I finally am. The only way to beat my inconsistency  is to keep trying. Trying in different ways. I know my experiences with motivation and using social media isn’t unique and there’s many people that struggle with it. I keep hoping for when my blog becomes ultra positive and all about me thriving in all areas of my life. But I understand that’s not reality and maybe the people appreciate some realness? I’ve noticed great things happening. I’m hearing back from jobs I didn’t think I’d hear back from. I know good things are coming and I finally feel like I have some guidance in what I want to do at least for the next few years. Let’s give this social media cleanse another go! And I might as well add reducing coffee, sugar, and consistent exercise and meditation into my routine.  Let’s see how this goes!

Social media cleanse

I’ve been taking a break from instagram, twitter, Netflix and Hulu and been spending more time listening to soothing music, writing and focusing on making my success a priority. I did get back on these sites about 5 days after I kept up with the social media cleanse and it really showed me how quickly I become distracted. It even disrupts my sleep. What all these things have in common for me is that they’re all dopamine fixes. I get instant gratification from all of them so I don’t really have to think about my problems. But just because you avoid your problems doesn’t mean that they’re not there. Sure, I’ve still had bad days but I really do appreciate my willpower now. That willpower would be nothing without this trust app, called Self Control (It’s a real app you can download on your computer) that blocks websites. It doesn’t matter what you do, those sites are blocked for as long as you set it for.

I’ve journaled a lot more and made room to really enjoy my food and tea instead of drowning my experiences in a Netflix show or twitter thread. Right now I’m learning to post only sometimes and spend the majority of my day without my phone and without feeling the need to show what I’m doing all the time. I told my cousin the other day that I really had a problem because I’d keep making boomerang videos of my morning coffee, like how many do I need to post?? It’s a problem. I’m addressing it. Wish me luck.

Rejection Challenge

I plan on doing the Rejection Challenge, started by Jia Jiang’s who is featured on TED Talk and wrote the book “Rejection Proof.” The fear of failure and rejection is the primary reason I’ve stayed so dormant in my life. I don’t take the risks I should to truly foster my own growth. Rejection has in so many ways, hindered my road to success and is definitely a reason I’m in the rut that I am in life right now. With the rejection challenge, I’m going to put myself completely out of my comfort zone every week. Each week I’m going to do something that I’m most likely going to experience some kind of rejection from. Some of these will include :

  • Writing stories even when I KNOW I will reject them internally because of my perfectionism.
  • Putting myself in a very vulnerable position around people and crowds. Perhaps going to an open mic night.
  • Asking someone out for coffee.
  • Making long eye contact with people.

Here’s a link to the actual Rejection therapy page/challenge. I definitely will not do some of the things on this list but it’s a good source to have.

https://www.rejectiontherapy.com/100-days-of-rejection-therapy/

YouTube

I’ve been having the energy and motivation to create lately. I’ve been leaving the house a lot more and waking up early enough to gain the motivation to make videos. I keep telling myself that you have to start somewhere. The launch of my new webseries should be by next year. I’m a little behind on my personal timeline but I guess that’s the way it is.

My achievable goal

One achievable goal that I can do right now, motivation or no motivation, is to learn to feel comfortable occupying the same space that brought me pain, embarrassment, isolation, micro-aggressions and in the midst of it all, joy. That’s Georgia. I was bullied in middle school by two boys in Orchestra, went to high school with one of them. I felt for a long time that it wasn’t a huge deal because because some people have it worse. But it had an impact, it affected how I acted around people. I felt like I had to change aspects of myself to be acceptable. I didn’t have to encounter him much in high school, which was great.

I hated feeling small…which is what I still felt. I had a couple of friends in high school that gave me enough micro-aggressions to write a book. Obviously I had lots of good friends, but the ones that caused harm… they left a very big impact. I wish I could remember the good memories because there were plenty. The thing about negative experiences is that they were too intense to ignore. I became very mistrustful but at the same time still kept in touch with people that hurt me deeply. I went somewhere new to start fresh, but I guess I was too polite not to cut anyone off. I truly wanted to leave the state where I felt so controlled and where I had the same reputation.

My goal is to get completely comfortable being in Georgia again. I want to be at peace with making this my home again. I want to feel comfortable occupying space in any space I walk into. I want to speak my truth in a poised and calm manner. Life is too short for acting. As long ago as any of my experiences were, they mattered. It’s time that I heal from it and find some good meaning. I am so confident that I can achieve this, even if it’s the only thing that I can achieve the remainder of this year or next year.

Celebrate

I definitely celebrate the good days. Yesterday was a great one. I went for a doctor’s appointment, got to hold my baby cousin and I got to spend quality family time. The first time in this little depression period that I felt happy. So honestly I’m going to believe that there are more good days coming and I just have to take care of myself better now.

It’s okay to not be okay

Lately I’ve been feeling completely miserable. I’m finally honest with myself about how different these past couple of months have been. I have in a sense had to censor myself while being back home. Living with my best friends at school, I could freely be myself. I could crack jokes and they’d understand them. I could be messy and emotional and I’d be easily understood. But at home it’s like I know I’m not alone but I feel alone.  As much as school did stress me out, I really miss the company. I feel like I’ve been so silent. And I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been depressed but it really dawned on me yesterday how silent I feel. I don’t really voice what’s upsetting me until it explodes out.

Sometimes we use self care too late. Sometimes we gotta be okay with not being okay until you feel better, until you start making the necessary actions in order for “better” to be a possibility. Facing depression again after not having it is like facing it for the very first time. Whoever’s going through the same thing, don’t freak out about how different you are. Do what you gotta do to get help, to create a healthier version for yourself.

Depression

Depression is a sneaky thing. It comes back when you least expect and for me, it comes back hard. I’ve had it long enough to realize when I’m staying in bed too long and when my body starts being more sore and my bed seems better than literally anything else. Suddenly even little things I love become huge tasks.

I want to do so much but my mind thinks that there’s nothing to do. And there’s little things I can do like try jogging or something but I really can’t get myself to do it. I knew it was inevitable after graduating since that was a big event. I just didn’t think it would truly come back months later. I’ve been watching motivational videos and atleast trying to make something of today.

I’ll figure it out. Sometimes I have to let change in to curb depression. I have to be willing to change my routine, make those therapy appointments, and pull myself away. Depression is the friend you cut off but they still manage to linger. It’s about time I start breaking ties and find myself again. I feel so removed from what my body and soul was before meeting depression. It hurts me looking back. I know I’ve changed, I’ve grown so much, I’m just ready to create more despite this huge hurdle.

Maybe little steps are more important right now. I have to make sure I do get up on time regardless of failed efforts, I need to find something that uplifts me everyday and get outside my room, I need to make appointments no matter how unwilling I am to see someone new. I’ve grown so used to how things were and have to let my new reality in. I’ll see how that goes.

Writer’s block…again

I had a huge breakthrough writing a scene a week ago and now I’m stuck again. I find myself thinking what’s the point? I remember when I was a kid my mind would be bursting with ideas and I’d never question what the purpose of it was. I’d just write as it came to me and i enjoyed it! Now it seems like the stories I write have to have some immediate impact on my life for me to even want to finish it. And that’s what’s holding me back. I don’t delete my work anymore, which is progress. But it’s still difficult to re-assure myself of why I’m writing and why it’s important to do it everyday. It’s pretty late right now but I really don’t want to go to bed without finishing the scene at least. I guess the best advice for myself and others is just to keep going despite how you feel. That saying goes for life and for writing as well.

I read the Alchemist recently and found the message so powerful. The road to fulfillment can be rich with obstacles and you may find yourself in places you didn’t imagine. But there’s always something to learn in every step. Maybe what I need to learn is that the little things you do everyday matter. I try to tell myself that when I wake up and get out of bed, when I eat my breakfast and watch another episode of the Office..when I find myself stuck on a script. I try to visualize myself as a future influencer, philanthropist and screenwriter that’ll have an impact on people’s lives. I tell myself that a lot of successful people started off not knowing exactly what they were doing. It’s a helpful message but is only really helpful if you say it to yourself everyday. And that’s what I plan on doing.

Reactions

My life has been truly determined by other people’s reactions.

Oh are they making fun of me because I’m really annoying? Maybe I am.

Do they understand how I feel? 

Do they think I’m being too sensitive?

I can’t believe my friend spoke to me like that!

I’m glad I’m a person that doesn’t put up with things anymore. However, I find that I am too easily pre-occupied by people’s reactions to me. They make or break me. It’s not healthy, it doesn’t bring about change, so why am I like this? Simply because it’s always been my first instinct. It’s my first instinct to put meaning to every opinion and every reaction that comes my way. I make people’s opinions about me more important than they are. So many factors go into someone’s views of you. A lot of it has to do with them. And that is a concept that I cannot seem to grasp permanently.

My mind yearns for control. I want to control people’s reactions to me. I want to get along with everybody. Looking back, I tried to get along with everybody and I ended up with years of hurt. Even with my no nonsense attitude now, I still waste mental energy on things I am better off not thinking about!

I never want to be someone that is too sure of themselves, I want to remain understanding and empathetic. I’m deeply interested in unblocking myself from success and happiness. This is one of the many things that hold me back. I don’t think it’s possible to not care about anyone’s opinions about you, but I know I can do something healthier for me than what I’m doing now.

I can stop equating worth to words simply because they are being spoken. 

A life spent letting other people tell you who you are is a life that’s limited. I’m trying to live my best life and I’m currently not. I’m going to have to jump over some emotional hurdles, kick out some unhealthy coping mechanisms and create this true bad bitch from the inside.